I want to teach YOU how I was able to learn how to decode and detect a narcissist. It took practice, but once you learn it, it can be pretty amazing. It’s almost like a super power because you can see through the lies, manipulation, power trips, and games. WHY this skill is so important and critical to learn is it can be very hard to decode and detect a narcissist when you are experiencing it first hand…in the moment. In the moment, we are processing information coming at us, how we are going to respond, there are emotions, tone of voice, body language, threats, mind games, etc. In order to really learn this skill, you must be “detached” first. As if you are seeing it from an outside perspective. That is why I love movies and mini series. These two platforms are going to be your teachers. And the wonderful thing about these platforms is you can pause it, rewind, and watch it over and over again.
So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to pick one of the shows I have listed and watch it with the keyword definitions. When you see the characters or people communicating, see if you can notice any of the keyword definitions. For example, I went to the movies and saw Jurassic World: Dominion. Campbell Scott plays the character Lewis. Lewis is clearly a covert narcissist. There is a scene in the movie when he is communicating with another man and I started to point out to my friend, by saying, “Ooh, that’s gaslighting, undermining, stonewalling, projecting, hoovering, splitting, and coverup. When I started to do this and was whispering the keyword definitions, my friend was able to see what I saw. It was pretty cool.
Next, I want you to learn about eye movement and position. There is a great show called, “Lie to Me”. It was created in 2009 and ended in 2011. I highly recommend that show. It taught me a lot. You might learn a thing or two by watching it
Now, there is something I must point out. Many people heard about or watched the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial. It was crazy making drama. The smartest thing Mr. Depp did was to have a psychologist watch Amber’s testimony. It helped all of us really because we were all in the dark about how a person could act so oddly and do things that were not normal. The psychologist helped us all understand who and what Mr. Depp was dealing with. And you do not have to be diagnosed as a narcissist, yet she did display several traits that are listed below. Once everyone knew who and what Mr. Depp was dealing with, it took all of us out of the dark and into the light. It all finally made sense. I feel that if he did not have that psychologist tell everyone about Amber’s mental health issues, the jury might have had a different verdict. I have heard some people say that Amber Heard has hurt the #METOO movement, but I do not agree. She abused it, took advantage of it, and used it to play the victim. And yes, she might have or did experience some domestic violence, BUT she most likely instigated it first. Baiting, provoking and asking for it. I hate to say this, but some women do push a man hard enough when they know the exact buttons to push to get them to snap. In my mind, that is psychological abuse. Therefore, both parties are partaking in acts of domestic violence.
Now, I need to address Stockholm Syndrome in a way that most people do not talk about. Why I need to do this is because of the must-see documentary called, The Deep End. We all have heard that being famous or being a celebrity has its ups and downs. Some people will not respect your personal space and boundaries. That’s why they need bodyguards. It is also known that some celebrities are narcissistic. There is a say, “Don’t you know who I am?” In my heart and mind, your status means nothing to me. You are not above or below me. You might have more accomplishments, but we are equal in the eyes of Love, God, the Universe or whatever you want to call it – we are all the same. Here is the message, a narcissistic person knows that a fan is already love bombed by their presence. The narcissist doesn’t have to win them over or influence a fan. A fan will shout out to the world that they love you and know nothing you. And the fan will do just about anything to win the praise and approval from the celebrity. Yet, the fan does not know that they can be taken advantage of when they are love struck and are experiencing Stockholm Syndrome from the celebrity. Let me give you an example. The narcissistic celebrity wants something from you. It could be a sexual favor and when the fan first refuses, the narcissist will use manipulation, split thinking, and will undermine the fan. Here is an example of what the fan might hear, “Well you did say that you were my favorite fan and I want to believe you. I am just asking for a little head and if you truly are my favorite fan, you would get to it. Maybe you are not my favorite fan. Either you prove that you are, or you don’t. I don’t have time for these mind games little girl.” Then if she does do it and it turns into rape, the narcissist will gaslight her, saying that she had a choice and she really wanted it. Sadly, the young woman will be kicked to the curb and the narcissist will look for their next victim. That is why I say, I am not a fan of anyone. I will honor their skills, talent, creativity, and abilities, but I will not lower myself to meet their ego or expectations from previous fans. So, keep this in mind when watching the documentary, The Deep End. Fan will give up their family, friends, lifestyle, money, and a sense of self, just to please the abuser.
As I have said before in previous blog posts and podcasts, I get messages. I thought last night this blog post was complete until I got this message, which is very important to share. For a celebrity or someone famous, the roles can be reversed. The celebrity is treated like an object and objectified. They can be a good person, and the fan can be the narcissist trying to manipulate and then smearing the person if they do not give in to temptation – meaning sexual offers, flashing their boobs, and other uncomfortable situations. Boundaries can be pushed and comfort zones ignored.
Recommended Educational shows to watch while using these narcissistic behaviors and traits.
- Netflix series, season one – The Umbrella Academy (Vanya and Leonard)
- ABC and Hulu, documentary series, The Deep End (A MUST SEE)
- Game of Thrones, HBO – Joffrey and Cersei
- Movies – Dark Waters (2019), Deep Water, and The Devil Wears Prada
- Mini series on NBC, Hulu & Peacock – Something about Pam
The documentary, “The Deep End” on Teal Swan is #1 for me because I love the spiritual community. I have been a part of the spiritual community my whole life. Therefore, I am very concerned and so is my good friend, sister Miriam. Let me explain what the private investigator. Molly, missed. From what I saw in this documentary, there should be 100% liable for the suicide deaths of those 3 individual people. I even wrote an email to Molly telling her what I saw from watching the documentary. And if you know anyone that is a part of this spiritual community, I would notify their family, friends, and the person involved…if they will listen to you. Suggest that they listen to this podcast, read the blog post, and watch the documentary as well. Give them the keyword definitions as well as the eye movements.
Now before I tell you what I saw in the documentary, I need to tell you what I experienced before watching it. Several years ago, I listened to Teal Swans book, The Completion Process. I also signed up for her email newsletter. As a therapist, I am always looking to find new tools and resources for my clients. There were parts in her book that I agreed with – like connecting with your inner child, and others I did not. I know that you can heal another person without activating their hidden wounds. There is EMDR, parts therapy, hypnosis, meditation, bodywork, and recode. When the documentary came out, I started to get emails from her. Normally I would get the email newsletters every once in a while; not that often. For two or three weeks, I started getting one or two emails a day. This was not normal. This was panic mode. That promoted me to watch the documentary. Then when the third episode was aired, all the emails stopped. The final episode did not even air the next week, but two or three weeks later. Then like clockwork, two or three weeks later, I got another email before the final episode was aired on TV. It was an announcement that Teal would be in Los Angeles, CA. I felt like she was grasping onto any last hope to save face. I unsubscribed after getting that email notification. Therefore, this is what I gathered from the documentary.
1. Teal Swan is a narcissist and she feeds off peoples pain and suffering. She does not have to love bomb these people. They are already love struck because they idolize her because she has a million followers on YouTube, she claims to be a spiritual teacher, and a psychic. Being in her presence and being invited into her world is a privilege and she makes everyone aware of that fact by signing an agreement with her. The problem is these people are stuck in trauma. They are stuck in their limbic brain – memory and emotions. They cannot access their cortex brain, which has to do with problem solving and rational thinking. What Teal does is she knows they are stuck in trauma and instead of coming from a place of love, she is coming from a place of hate, anger, and fear. She verbally says over and over, “I hate the spiritual community.” To feed her narcissistic ego, she makes these wounded people relive and feel that pain. By doing this, she is activating the trauma over and over. Then smearing and isolating these people from their support system (friends and family). She makes them believe that only she truly understands their pain and suffering. She makes them believe that she can cure them through their pain and suffering, which is a very dangerous game to play. What she is doing is psychological abuse. I am a survivor of psychological abuse. That is why I wrote my book and told my story – to save lives and to stop abuse.
2. I am a spiritual advisor. I come from a place of love and wisdom. When I saw the investigator, Molly watching the video of Teal talking about suicide, I noticed something that Molly did not catch. When Teal is just about to say, “I want you to imagine yourself committing suicide”, this is what I saw and so did my 14 year old son, who is also a survivor. Teal looks down, which mean she is accessing feelings and/or internal self talk (look up NLP eye movement diagram). I have attached an image for your reference. Then she smiles and says, “I want you to imagine…” I looked at my son and paused the documentary and played it over again. Yes, she smiles. Then I said, “Would Jesus, the angels, a spiritual teacher, or I tell you to imagine something like killing yourself and would any of us smile at you when we said such a thing? We all know the answer to this question. It was very disturbing. When I talked to sister Miriam about the documentary and how I was creating this podcast and blog post, she was very concerned. She almost cried because I told her that this woman has a million followers. I don’t. And sister Miriam considers me her spiritual advisor and teacher. Sister Miriam said to me, “She is not a spiritual advisor or teacher. God would never tell a person to imagine killing themselves. God would embrace them and comfort them. God would lift them up. She is doing the devils work. You need to stop her.”
3. In the documentary what Teal is doing is giving these already wounded and traumatized people Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is a coping mechanism to a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time. This condition applies to situations including child abuse, coach-athlete abuse, relationship abuse, and sex trafficking. Teal is abusing them into submission because she believes she has all the tools to save them. And these people believe her to such a degree that they will allow her torture and abuse them.
4. Teal’s approach in recovery is a crime, torture, and abuse. She is using toad poison and drowning. And when she drowned that one young woman in the last episode that defied her and was not willing to submit, Teal got what she wanted and used this strong spirited woman as an example. After she drowned her, Teal kissed her forehead and said, “I love you”…it made me sick. That is not love. That is submission and torture. She broke that woman’s spirit and she enjoyed it.
5. Throughout the documentary, I saw grooming, gaslighting, undermining, identity erosion, obfuscation, projecting, triangulation, hoovering, splitting, stonewalling, silent treatment, baiting, provoking, coercive control, pathological liar, narcissist cover-up, narcissistic retaliation, verbal abuse, blame shifting, collusion, flying monkeys, and plotting. That is a lot!
When and if you decide to watch the documentary, The Deep End, I hope you can see what I saw. I pray that you can grasp the concept of the message millions of people need to hear. A spiritual advisor or teacher will not feel the need to manipulate or control another person. A spiritual advisor and teacher will come from a place of LOVE, HOPE, COMPASSION, FORGIVENESS, WISDOM, ACCEPTANCE OF ALL, REVERENCE, AND ONENESS. They will not see you as broken or damaged. They will not judge you or try to destroy your family or friends…even if those people are unhealthy. A spiritual advisor or teacher will teach you about unconditional love, boundaries, speaking from your heart, will explain trauma and family patterns, and lift you up. They will not try to break your spirit, make you spend thousands of dollars, verbally insult you, isolate you, brand your body, make you feel like a worthless piece of crap, or abuse you. A spiritual advisor or teacher is vibrating from a place of LOVE at 500, which is a place of power. A false spiritual advisor is stuck in a place of FORCE, anger, vengeful, hate, and aggression, which is energy level 150. When you are love bombed or you idolize this false spiritual advisor, it is hard to see or hear the TRUTH. And lastly, a spiritual advisor or teacher will not say that they hate the spiritual community. If you hate it so much, get out! Nobody is forcing you to stay. Why they stay is for the money, fame, and positive recognition. This is not an act of being of service to humanity, it is an act of take, take, take. That is why I need your help in stopping people like this. So, please share this podcast and blog post. People are being psychological abused and tortured.
Below is a list of keywords to describe narcissistic behaviors and traits. When you watch these recommended shows, I want you to see if you can see, what I see. Below is what I observed and gathered in becoming more self-aware to keep myself safe and others. When you are self-aware, then you know how to act, respond, and handle people with these behaviors and traits. You will no longer fall into their trap, take their behaviors personally, or get psychologically abused. You now will have a CHOICE, instead of being victimized. I suggest printing out this document as a reference when you are observing these shows.
What is Love bombing? Love bombing is a designed form of manipulation to get you to spend more time with the person engaging in it and less time with others, such as your friends and family members. Further, when a friend or family member does not like them and can see what they are doing to you, the narcissist might try to get you to side with their overly needy behaviors and turn you against the other people in your life. The covert narcissist (CN) might appear to behave in a childish manner by getting jealous of your friends and family members; they might get jealous when you give attention and affection to anyone who is not them.
What is Stockholm syndrome? Stockholm syndrome is a coping mechanism to a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time. This condition applies to situations including child abuse, coach-athlete abuse, relationship abuse and sex trafficking.
What is Hoovering? Hoovering is a technique that was named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner because the narcissist is basically finding a way to “suck” the person back into an abusive relationship. Hoovering is designed to regain control over their victims through manipulation tactics that target the victims’ emotions, soft spots, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. A perfect example of hoovering would be when a narcissist wants something from you such as attention, validation, money, companionship, or sex; you push them away and they do their best to suck you back into the relationship.
What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is when someone is manipulated by psychological means into questioning their own sanity, reality, and truth. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse because it is the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and events; this is the start of the devaluing stage. The narcissist will try to spin the truth and make you appear as the crazy person, instead of taking responsibility for their past bad behaviors, actions, or events. The CN might act childish and insult you to make themselves feel better; they might pout, sulk, give you the silent treatment, belittle you, force you to question yourself and chastise you for questioning yourself, or say unkind comments to your face or behind your back. Gaslighting is a technique where they want you to be confused and question whether you were being overly emotional or irrational at the time. The narcissist needs to spin it such that they appear to be the victim.
What is Triangulation? Triangulation is a narcissist abuse tactic which typically takes the form of verbal abuse used to foster contention, fear, or mistrust between two parties. The narcissist tries to control the conversation in hopes of creating a rift or separation between the two parties, and at times, this rift can be so extreme, that the two parties no longer speak to one another and end their relationship. The narcissist might lie to one person by saying a false truth about the other person’s feeling or thoughts about them. Not everyone who engages in this tactic is a narcissist, however. We have seen this behavior displayed in teen dramas as well as on reality shows. All it takes is telling one person one thing about another and then reporting a different story to the other person. When employed by a narcissist however, they are taking advantage of the faith and good will of the listener by appearing to be the supportive confidant.
What is Splitting? Splitting is all or nothing thinking. A person who displays black and white thinking is likely to get tired of you if you do not meet their demands. When they find a new target or love interest, they will glorify that new target, making them their best friend, even though they are simply a pawn, like a love interest who is “finally the one,” or their “soulmate.” However, when that love interest fails to comply with their wishes or orders, fails to pay them enough attention, or does not submit to their dominant, aggressive, and calculated nature; they had better watch out. They are soon to be discarded, pummeled, and left burning in the ashes. It is all about a cycle of power and control.
What is Stonewalling? Stonewalling is a common abuse tactic used by narcissists and social predators to psychologically control and manipulate their victims. The narcissist will refuse to converse or hear rational communication in favor of protecting an irrational position. The person who is stonewalling you will refuse to communicate with others or yourself—they do not care about your point of view, your feelings, your thoughts, or even finding a gray area to agree to disagree. This stonewalling technique is designed to be in your face verbally and emotionally and qualifies as psychological abuse. You do not matter; you mean nothing to them.
What is the Silent Treatment? The silent treatment is a secret weapon the narcissist will use when you start to question their actions, behaviors, words, and treatment towards you or another person close to your inner circle of friends and family members. Someone told me that the best explanation of “the silent treatment” is withholding affection. For example, this person told me to think of my son’s father as a drug dealer; he gave me all the free drugs—gifts, love, and affection—and I became addicted. When I got mad or questioned his actions or behavior, he would cut me off cold, stopping all forms of affection, including the love bombing techniques that got me addicted to him in the first place. This left me confused about what I did wrong.
This form of abuse makes the narcissist feel powerful and in control. They can make you feel invisible and leave you starving for their attention again—like Stockholm Syndrome, where victims develop feelings of trust and affection towards their captors. You will tend to seek approval and validation from your abuser, rather than flee from their abuse.
What is Undermining? Undermining is a form of abuse commonly practiced by covert narcissists. When a person is trying to undermine another, what they are striving to do is erode any confidence, trust, or faith within the individual—the goal is to damage and weaken the victim socially, politically, or within their circle of friends or family members.
You might have experienced these undermining techniques from a controlling family member or parent. You might have a manipulative lover, a few toxic friends, or even a tyrannical employer or coworker.
Undermining can be used to lessen a person’s position of power or authority by insulting someone’s intelligence, skills, and status within a company. Undermining can be used in disagreements about previous or current events, and gradually, over time, it’s intended to chip away at you and reduce your confidence, self-esteem, and who you are as an individual. It can also be done insidiously in ways you do not even notice, all while you are constantly reminded by the narcissist that they hold the position of power and control.
What is Narcissist Baiting? Baiting is the deliberate act of annoying or provoking someone into extreme emotions. What the narcissist is doing is deliberately taunting you to get a response from their offensive attack. Here is an example: for their own amusement, the CN will pretend to ask you for help with the underlying intention of ridiculing or shaming you in the end.
What is Narcissist Provoking? Provoking is like baiting, but there is a difference; provoking occurs when the narcissist knows your triggers. They will set a trap so that you will lose your cool in a wide variety of ways, either in a private setting or publicly. They are doing it to make you mad and they will get a rush if they are able to get you to breakdown and cry; their goal is to get you to crack.
What is Coercive Control? Coercive control is used in a relationship to instill fear and compliance. It is a form of mistreatment and a way to manipulate and control the target. The good news is there is a pattern, and therefore, learning the red flags to coercive control is important.
What is a Pathological Liar? A pathological liars tend to be an expert at gaslighting. They lie to and about other people to strategically manipulate their target with the hopes of gaining social advantage. They do this to obscure the truth and to attain or maintain control over another person’s emotions. A pathological liar lies so often as an attempt to make themselves feel important in the eyes of another; at times they lie to an extreme because they want to thrive and be respected by others. On the flip side they want to ruin your life or want your existence erased, by emotionally killing your soul.
What is a Narcissist Cover-Up? A cover-up is an attempt to conceal evidence of wrongdoing, embarrassing information about the narcissist, incompetence in performance, and/ or hiding the truth. A narcissist will hide the truth from a target because they believe they can avoid punishment, deflect guilt or responsibility, or avoid criticism.
What is Narcissist retaliation? People who are retaliatory are the types of people who are constantly trying to come out on top. They will put you down if they feel you are a rival or a threat to them publicly, romantically, socially, or personally.
What is Narcissist Obfuscation? Obfuscation is defined as: “the act or an instance of making something obscure, dark or difficult to understand.” The psychological definition is, “the act of willfully hiding information or facts from a targeted mark is known as narcissistic abuse. They can socially manipulate and control other’s emotions, correlated actions, and thoughts.”
What is blame-shifting? Blame shifting is an overt narcissistic abuse tactic to accuse the target unjustly of being personally or lawfully responsible for the moral choice(s) the narcissist makes. The narcissist is choosing to avoid personal responsibility. They believe they are superior and more dominating than others and can do nothing wrong. The narcissist will point fingers and gaslight people for their own actions or despicable behavior.
Now I am sure most people have witnessed another person blame shifting another person to get out of trouble; the difference is the average person does not blame shift all the time. A narcissist does it all the time because they believe they can do no wrong.
What is a narcissist dog whistle? A dog whistle is something only the abuser and target will understand. Only the target hears it because it is based on something deeply personal and specific; it can be related to something that happened in the past that the two of you experienced together—something you did, something you said, or something about who you are as a person. It is a very twisted way of saying you are not good enough and you better watch out.
From my own personal experience, a dog whistle is a direct threat and warning. It is a sign that the narcissist is plotting something against you or is reminding you of your place in the relationship. The narcissist believes they are superior, clever and that you mean nothing to them.
What is narcissist grooming? Grooming is a specific tool that predators use to gain the trust of a target. When a predator is grooming you, it is because they want something from you. It could be sex, morally questionable behavior, money, or something else. You can be groomed into doing sexual acts or doing things you “normally” would not do. You can be groomed into finding other targets for the narcissist to groom. This happens often within cults and other religious organizations, and is a tactic frequently used by sex traffickers.
There are many different forms of grooming that a narcissist may engage in: you can be groomed into silence because the fear of their threats makes you freeze with fear; you may keep silent about the abuse for fear of death or bodily harm to yourself or someone you care about.
A narcissist can groom a new person into believing a story they spun about a specific person or event. The CN will groom this new person so they will behave and react in a specific manner when they meet the target person the narcissist had turned them against. The new person might threaten, belittle, disrespect, humiliate, and/or get in your face because the narcissist has groomed them into hating you, even though they did not hear the other side of the story.
What is collusion? Collusion is when a narcissist secretly aligns with friends, family members, or various others to pervasively smear the target. They strive to self-promote and socially destroy the target’s personal, professional, and social reputation.
What is a flying monkey? A flying monkey is when the narcissist finds someone else do the bidding for them. The term flying monkey was coined after the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz because the monkeys were under the spell of the Wicked Witch of the East. They did her bidding against Dorothy and her friends.
This narcissistic tactic is commonly used upon friends, coworkers, and family members of the victim. The narcissist will request that you spy on them. They can convince you to spread gossip to other friends and family members, while painting the narcissist as the victim and their target as the perpetrator.
Flying monkeys can be your friends, family, coworkers or the narcissist’s friends, family, or coworkers before you got to have your side of story heard. The narcissist’s goal is to maintain the illusion of power that they have over you. Therefore, the narcissist will employ the use of third parties, through which they will attempt to continue to control and manipulate you.
What is Plotting? Plotting is when the person is secretly making plans to carry out an illegal, unethical, or immoral act intended to harm their target victim. A few examples are when a narcissist can plot to steal or ruin your friendship(s). They can plot to ruin your life, take away your child, cause you mental or emotional pain, and become friends with one of your enemies. When a narcissist is plotting against you, I would do your best to read between the lines. They enjoy dropping little hints, which is how they bait you for the big event they are plotting against you, because a narcissistic person is quite concentrated on others because their thinking is split—you are either benefiting them or hurting them. Therefore, the narcissist is the one who will be constantly lying, pretending to be your friend, and plotting against you. In the plotting scheme, a narcissist will do their best to sabotage your hopes and dreams and create triangulating relationships that benefit them. They will plot various ways to abuse, cheat, and harass you.
What is Verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is a type of psychological/mental abuse that involves the use of oral, gestured, and written language directed to a victim. Verbal abuse can include the act of harassing, labeling, insulting, scolding, rebuking, or excessive yelling towards an individual.
What is cold rage or anger? Cold rage or anger is when you can control your emotions. Personally, I know cold rage can be very dangerous. Cold rage or anger is when the person is calculated and dispassionate. That is why a covert narcissist is the most dangerous. They have cold rage. They plot revenge. They are passive aggressive and will plan their act. They can stuff down their feelings and act like everything is fine, when in fact, it is not.
What is hot rage or anger? Hot rage or anger tends to get the individual in trouble by their harsh behavior, words, and actions. Cold rage or anger is quiet and harder to detect. When a person shuts down and has that look in their eyes of rage, be warned. They might be plotting their attack when you least expect it.
What is identity erosion or self-erosion? Identity or Self-erosion occurs over a period of time and happens so quietly that the person doesn’t even realize it’s happening. Self-erosion happens when we are so busy doing other things—such as working, going to school, raising kids, and being in incompatible relationships—that we slowly lose touch with who we are.
I hope this blog post supports you and the one’s you love in learn how to decode and detect a narcissist. Since humor is healing and the subject of narcissism is never fun, I would like to invite you to experience some good healing laughs and humor. Last night I watched on Netflix the Snoop Dogg’s F*cn Around Comedy Special. I laughed so hard, my abs got a workout. BeRay Davis, the comedian, was so funny. I also want to thank the Mental Health News Radio Network. It is a wonderful platform full of good, authentic people. If you find wisdom and value in my work, please support this website and podcast. You can follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. And…next blog post and podcast will be about recovering from narcissistic abuse. Thank you and have a fabulous day!
Song by Alma – Karma