Introduction

We all love a hero’s journey. We are fascinated by adventure and overcoming life’s challenges. We all want to persevere. A good story can help you learn how to overcome those challenges, shift your perspective, and enable you to emerge as a stronger person on the other side. This book is our hero’s journey. Its goal—our goal—educate, inform, reduce domestic violence, prevent innocent people from being traumatized, and stop child abuse. Sparing individuals from psychological trauma and abuse is important to us. We know how damaging it can be because many people within the system that is designed to support one another are not fully trauma informed. This must change if we are going to create a world of love, peace, and cooperation.

When I first embarked upon the journey of writing this book, I was coming from a place of anger. I was angry with the legal system and mental health professionals that could not stop a covert narcissist from giving us complex PTSD; I was bitter that the systems which were intended to protect people like us, failed to do so for my son and I. No woman should feel the anger as I did, in that moment of truth, witnessing my past on paper. Yet, it was necessary and powerful for my transformation and healing. I needed the phoenix within me to emerge from the ashes. I needed to awaken, to gather my strength, heal my heart, and to begin to fly again.

I had to go to through the dark knight of the soul and find a deeper sense of purpose after what we survived. I needed a connectedness with a greater life’s purpose. For me it was kind of a death of the old self that was fearful of everyone and then a re-birth to spare humanity from psychological abuse and trauma.

We are all born innocent and pure. We all need love and empathy. Empathy is essential when it comes to building connections. I believe a narcissist is not born but created. Writing this book supported me in understanding how to effectively communicate with narcissist people. I learned to set healthy boundaries, how to speak my truth without shame or blame, and how to respond to drama coming from a place of love instead of fear or victimization. My relationships with my friends, family members, and clients grew stronger and more connected. There was trust and open communication without blame, shame, or resentment because I learned how to allow myself to be vulnerable and speak from my heart. In exchange, I supported my clients in saving their marriage, understanding how their behaviors unintentionally hurt people, how to improve their relationship with their children, and how to effectively communicate with co-workers and employers with or without narcissist traits and behaviors.

I realize as a global collective consciousness, we have been forced into an awareness of fear. Movies and books have created this narrative to fear narcissistic people. My agenda is to awaken, educate, empower, and prevent people from being traumatized. I want you to understand the narcissist, instead of hating or fearing them. You might have heard the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” This includes the narcissist. Everyone I have met whom has openly shared that they think or feel they are narcissistic did share that they had a difficult childhood.  It has become apparent to me that we need to change the way we parent our children, especially boys because seventy-five percent of diagnosed narcissistic people are men. The more I have educated myself on trauma and how it impacts the brain, the more I question the connection between how someone becomes narcissistic, how we parent our children, and how we treat one another. Without empathy for another person, one cannot relate to another person’s pain and suffering. Therefore, there will be miscommunication and hardships within one’s relationship with others.

I want the narcissist to better understand themselves and how their actions impact the people they love. Not all narcissists are bad or dangerous people. I feel they do not really understand how their actions and behaviors impact others. I want to help. I personally know that you can love a narcissist and realize being in a romantic relationship or living with them is unhealthy. And, if you chose to stay with one, how can you make it work? That is why this book is so important. Some of my narcissist friends are good people. I understand them and I want you to understand them as well. They are just misunderstood and there are healthy ways to communicate without coming from a place of anger, shame, guilt, or punishment.

That is why this book is for everyone, even narcissistic people. I want to connect the dots when it comes to childhood trauma and narcissism. That is what makes this book different. In my heart, I believe that when anyone allows anger, hate, and revenge to cloud their better judgment, they will discover that when the fog clears, there will be regret or guilt. Especially after you read our story. The only way to try to repair the damage is to have courage, attend family therapy, and allow each other to safely be vulnerable without judgment.

I was in the dark when it came to understanding my son’s father. So, if you are a narcissist reading this book and you love your child, please take our story to heart. For our son will never look at his father the same way again. All these events you will read about should have been prevented.

The pivotal point of awakening for me was the Hulu series The Handmaid’s Tale, season five, episode seven. The rage in June’s eyes matched the rage inside of me; rage at how we were victims of a crime, which is often minimized or brushed under the rug by the broken and corrupt legal system of the United States. What happened to my son was child abuse; what we experienced and survived was a crime. What is considered a crime elsewhere in other countries and not here in the United States is astonishing. In order to change this world, the old ways of treating one another must be seen and brought into the light. For most people are still in the dark about narcissistic individuals, trauma, and psychological abuse. The world is on the brink of change. It is not one against the next, but an awaking to the truth. And the truth is, you cannot find your way out of the darkness until someone shines the light on the subject matter.

When I witnessed June’s thought process and emotions in the Handmaid’s Tale, I saw how she struggled with her newfound freedom; she tried to fit it into a neatly defined box that Canada had created for the survivors of Gilead. I saw myself in June’s eyes—what she felt, I felt. A covert narcissist sent me spiraling down a dark passage of deception and lies, and just like June, I was confused when the dust settled; confused about what I had survived, confused about relationships, sex, my body, my career, the world, humanity, my friendships, and even my purpose in life. I needed to move into a state of freedom of expression by writing this book to reverse the wrong doings.

That specific episode sparked a raging fire of thoughts and feelings; I felt this book speaking to me, and I just knew I had to write it, so I grabbed my laptop and started to type. In the beginning, my thoughts were scattered.  I jumped from subject to subject; from past to present. For those who helped edit this book, it was heartbreaking in the beginning for them to see my trauma, but they also saw power, strength, courage, determination, purpose, truth, and wisdom. They saw why this book needed to be written. They were excited for me and all the people this book would help. When I started to write this book, I was broken, and trying to find my way back to wholeness; but as I wrote, this book was softly whispering in my ear: write these words. It was in that moment of purpose and truth, that I awoke out of a deep sleep to write the introduction you are now reading.

Watching season five of the Handmaid’s Tale was my profound moment of awakening for me to speak our truth. I did not want to be like June. I wanted to live, not just exist. I needed to become the Phoenix and rise above the ashes; I achieved that goal and I believe you can too once you understand who and what you are dealing with when it comes to psychological abuse and manipulation. I also realized that we live in a trauma ignorant society. Trauma impacts everyone differently. We cannot minimize it, tell someone to just get over it, or shame someone because they emotionally charged. People must have empathy to understand trauma, so a person can heal. Therefore, we need to be trauma educated and informed if we are truly going to better support the future generations.

I want to transform the way you perceive someone who has narcissist traits and behaviors. Instead of perceiving them from a place of fear, I want you to perceive them from a place of empowerment and choice. For I believe that all conflict is a tool for self-awareness. When you can stand in your truth and place of empowerment by observing chaos, instead of reacting, you are in your power. The power to make a choice instead of responding from a place of fear, victimization, and triggered old wounds. When you can assess the games of manipulation, analyses all data, attune to how you want to think and feel, that is when you can act. If you cling to stress or fear, what you are doing is narrowing your internal perception and creating a box of rigid ways of thinking, acting, or behaving. When you are calm and clear minded, you can widen your perspective of what is really going on. You are no longer in the dark or operating from a place of fear. This can be challenging for someone that has been traumatized. You can be judged, misdiagnosed, or labeled by the very systems that are here to support you when you are working with individuals that are not trauma informed. This book is a clear example of what I am talking about. The book, “What Happened to You? – Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing”, by Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey, helped me better understand myself, trauma, hypervigilance, and our son. As a society, we need to stop labeling people and start asking what happened to you? Even when someone is narcissistic.

We are on the brink of a global wave of change. All war stems from a conscious level of fear. When several people come together coming from a place of fear, they are joining the collective conscious of fear in such a way that it makes motion possible. The motion and act of war. One against another. Yet, this is not a book to create more fear or start a war. It is book to awaken you to the truth. To reduce domestic violence, child abuse as well as educate and protect you and the one’s you love.

Writing this story was my journey to wholeness; it is a narrative of what my son and I experienced and survived. The chapters poured out of me, and I wrote 20 chapters in three weeks, but then I hit writer’s block. I did not want to write about the horrific trauma we experienced, I didn’t want to describe the shocking and tearful events that made me feel powerless, stupid, and trapped. Still, I pushed through. Each word, although it was painful, healed me. My transformation has been amazingly liberating, and I want to share that gift with you.

I wrote from my heart, which was not easy, but necessary. Along my journey to recovery, I found strength, I found how to be whole again, I found myself. This voice within me softly whispered that the rest of this book needed to come from a place of love. I listened to that voice. I want you to see, witness, and hear my transformation.

To proceed, I needed the following tools. I first sought out Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. EMDR is an amazing tool for anyone who has experienced trauma and suffers—past or present—from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Next, I listened to audiobooks about narcissists which allowed me to learn so much more about myself and understand what happened to me and my son. Still, there was not a book out there that spelled it out for me. I wanted it all in one book, not several books. I wanted a storyline from start to finish. I wanted tools, insights, and ways to prevent future psychological abuse. This book should answer all your questions and much more. Nobody has written a book like this one!

When I hit writers block, my heart then whispered something I would have never taken into consideration. To complete this book, I needed to find pictures of love within the eyes of my son’s father. I found precious photos of the day our son was born; my ex’s smile was one of joy, appreciation, and happiness. As I looked at the photos of that special day, I could not ignore the love I felt inside for those moments we shared, and the more I wrote from a place of love, instead of anger and victimization, the more I healed and transformed.

However, the most influential discovery I made while writing this book, was the book You’re Not Broken by Christopher Michael Duncan. His book led to a profound shift in all areas of my life. For my massage therapist hit a wall. Trauma was rising out of my body, and it needed to be cleared. That is when I was referred to someone that does bodywork. The bodyworker introduced me to Christopher’s “Re-Code “and things started to shift and flow again within my body, mind, emotions, and spirit.

Each chapter in this book is designed to strip away the layers of confusion, doubt, resistance, and fear; and in their place, offer tools that can save your life and the wisdom to decode and detect narcissistic traits and behaviors.

I wrote this book to save lives—I wanted to spare you and your loved ones from the criminal, psychological abuse that no one saved us from. I want to educate you and support you in seeing and understanding the wisdom I offer. I will help you read between the lines through various documents. I want you to know that it is never too late to wake up and save a life; to save the nurturing mother or father from narcissistic abuse. If you are a narcissist reading this book and you are in the same mindset of revenge, it is never too late to realize what you are doing is extremely destructive. You are not only destroying another person’s life, but you are also destroying yourself. And if there is a child involved, that child will no longer love you the same way again. Revenge is poison to one’s heart. You cannot force or control a child to love you as you will learn. So be warned. Anger and revenge feeds fear. Neurologists claim that every time you resist acting in anger, you are rewiring your brain to be calmer. When you are calmer, you can make better choices.

Now, for most people, if I were to say the words: serial killer, rapist, child molester, and murderer; I will get your attention; you immediately know these types of people are dangerous. These individuals were most likely abused, neglected, and traumatized as a child. Yet when I implied, whispered, spoke, or even screamed the word “narcissist,” it fell on deaf ears. In many cases, I was perceived as irrational or the angry one in the failed relationship. I have shared our story with a few narcissist people, who are my friends. They all agree what happened to us was wrong and our story needs to be heard. Not all narcissist people are dangerous, when they better understand themselves and when they can control their anger.

After reading this book, I hope that the word, Narcissist, will take on a new meaning for the reader. A Narcissist is a danger to society when they cannot control their temper, greed, or desire for revenge. I want the phrases and concepts such as “covert narcissist” and “narcissistic personality disorder,” to be red flag to all mental health professionals, law enforcement personnel, and anyone working with children or families. My desire is for this book to become required reading for young adults in high school as well as anybody seeking a position in social work, personal support work, or other family-oriented support structures.

I implore the reader to think of how many lives can be spared if we simply educate more people about domestic violence, trauma, and narcissism. Young adults have their whole lives before them. They are ready to dive into the ocean and discover the real world for themselves, and it is my hope that this book can spare them the mental, emotional, and physical abuse that lies hidden behind a lack of knowledge and deception. I no longer want people to be in the dark, victimized, or traumatized. I want narcissist individuals to learn to calm down and think more clearly before acting on the desire for revenge. I want you to no longer be influenced by fear mongering movies and learn to follow your own direct guidance when dealing with a narcissistic individual.

What you are about to read will not be easy; but what happened to us is not an outlier—it is happening right now to other families all over the globe. Many people are afraid and uncomfortable about the subject matter and choose to ignore it rather than face the reality of narcissistic abuse, but we need to talk about it. I know in my heart that this book will change the world. It will support humanity in creating a world that we all love. A world where we all co-exist coming from a place better understanding each other.

I had this great insight that I wanted to share with you. We live in a world where dangerous creatures and animals co-exist with one another. Imagine a poisonous snake. They say animals can smell fear. But what if you could become a snake charmer. You know the snake is dangerous, yet you do not fear it. Your presence and music soothe the snake. Many animal lovers have shown us that there are ways to interact with dangerous animals without being injured or killed. You just need to know the rules of engagement to avoid triggering a negative reaction. Even domesticated animals can become dangerous when they are repeatedly abused.

In writing this book, I no longer fear narcissist people, not even my son’s father. I have forgiven him. I hope he will forgive me for writing this book. That is why I do not use anyone’s first and last name. I have a few good friends that know they are narcissistic, but they know I am not a threat to them. I understand them and know how to communicate with them in a manner that is less threatening.  With that said, I compassionately understand my son’s father. I feel sorry for him and wish things were different. I know he loves our son in his own way. I realize that my son’s father was a neglected child. He is someone who did not emotionally grow past those childhood wounds and traumas. It was too painful for him to feel, so he shut down. That is why he has no empathy. Therefore, the only way for him to feel like an adult is to come from a place of force and control. When he could not force or control me, I triggered a wounded response. Therefore, his reaction would be coming from a place of fear. He saw me as a threat. We have all heard that fear is an illusion and if he only had the ability to rise out of fear and into a place of communication and calmness, he would have possibly perceived that there was nothing to fear. I was not a threat. That is why I want people to understand the narcissist, instead of hate or fear them. Everyone I know has meet one. Wouldn’t you like to finally understand how they operate and the games they play? Would you like to be a step ahead of them? Would you like to develop healthy communication skills to better understand one another?

From great pain and suffering, comes great transformation. If you are a victim of domestic violence or psychological abuse, I want you to be able to change like I did. I hope this book will gives you the tools to detect narcissistic traits and the strength and courage to let go of the relationship that is destroying your life. If you are a narcissist, I want you to better understand yourself as well as how your actions and behaviors push people away, damage, and potentially traumatize them. It might be intentional or unintentional, but the pain is there.

If you are working with families or working within the healthcare or legal system, thank you for purchasing this book; and I know, if you open your mind and heart, this book can become inspirational for you. I want you to be the best at what you do in supporting people within your community and around the world. We can all do this together, to create a world filled with cooperation, compassion, and neutrality for one another.

Thank you for reading my book. I have meet so many remarkable people along my journey and feel so incredibly blessed. Finishing this book was exhilarating and has inspired me to write a second and third book. There is an abundance of wisdom within this book, and I am so excited to share it with you.

In love and light ~ Angela Myer