I realize that everyone will have a different process when it comes to recovering from narcissistic abuse. Mine might be completely different for some people and that’s okay. Others, who are an empath, will have similar experiences; maybe.
The number one factor in how I recovered so quickly from psychological abuse is Christopher Duncan’s work, The Recode. He is the author of the book, “You are not broken”. I did EMDR, body work, massage therapy, meditation, hypnotherapy, and talk therapy. They are amazing tools that supported my recovery, but the Recode has been the greatest gift I received in healing and transforming the generational trauma that is stored within all of our DNA. In my DNA I had my mom’s and dad’s trauma. They had their parents traumas and it can go all the way back to 7 generations of trauma stored in our DNA. It took 5 months to go around the balance wheel (image below) and I am now going around it again. My life has completely transformed. I am not the same person I was 3 or 6 months ago. You can hear the joy in my voice, the love and expansion within my heart, and the wisdom that flows through me. To learn more about how to create and live a more balanced life, I would like to recommend watching Kim Holman’s Instructional video. The link is provided. Kim is a certified master mind coach and was trained by Christopher Duncan and his other certified trainers. In the instructional video, Kim will explain how the RECODE works and how she uses the balance wheel every month and week to support anyone in wanting to rediscover their authentic self. Here is the link WATCH THE INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FIRST. To be a part of Kim’s weekly balance wheel recode, you can checkout the following link. To me, it is worth every pen. And as you heard or saw, I have tried many different techniques and tools to heal and recover from trauma. That was a lot of money as well and it I had a choice to do it all over again, I would have picked the Recode process first.
Last week I was attending my weekly, “Turbo Boost Your Intention“, zoom meeting and everyone but Kim Holman had issues with religion when it came to the balance wheel. The topic for the week around the balance wheel was Spiritual and Personal Growth. I was not surprised to see how spiritualty impact a person’s connection with family, friends, joy in life, as well as a person’s purpose in life.
Now, if you have not heard me say this before when someone is traumatized, they will become temporarily narcissistic because they are stuck in their survival brain. Yes, I was stuck in my survival brain during my recovery process. I was angry and wanted everyone to leave me alone. We need better laws and programs created to protect innocent people from psychological abuse because, at the time, nobody could genuinely help us protect our children. This is a sad fact and truth about the United States. I mean, what person would believe that if a child lived with their cold and unaffectionate parent, all their autism behaviors would go away? Well, it happened to my son and me. We are living proof of this fact. Laws must change. Judges must be educated about psychological abuse and trauma. Parent coordinators must also be educated and trained because the parent coordinator I wrote about was turned into a monster. She believed all his lies, was turned into a flying monkey, hated me, and did not fact-check any of his lies. That is a crime, and that person is a danger to society. And trust me, I did go to the Oregon State Bar in the winter of 2022 with my son to file an official complaint. What I wanted to happen did not happen. Both of us were shocked. Instead of taking us into a conference room to let us tell our story or even giving us the documents to file a complaint, all I was given was the phone number of the lawyer referral board. My son and I were turned away. Again, people need to be educated on narcissism and trauma. Laws must change, and people need to be heard.
In the beginning, recovering from psychological abuse was hard for me when my son came back home. I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. The definition is, “An adjustment disorder is an emotional or behavioral reaction to a stressful event or change in a person’s life.” I believe anyone would have that label if they were dealing with a covert narcissist who spent $100,000 in legal fees to destroy them. What happened is my son came home with complex PTSD. His direct trauma indirectly traumatized me. I had to parent entirely differently. Anytime I tried to ask him to do something, like brush his teeth, take a shower or go to bed on time, he felt like I was forcing him. I reminded him of his authoritarian/neglectful father. I was walking on eggshells. It took all my efforts not to fall apart. And when I did fall apart, it was in private. Why? I did not want him to see me crying and not to feel worse about himself because when you have PTSD, you can be so hard on yourself. He hated himself and wanted to die. He cried and cried to have his pain stop. All I could do was hold him and be present. It was so scary and heartbreaking for me.
I was hard on myself. I felt like a failure as a parent. I was angry that our son came home so damaged. I was mad that I did not have the money or power to prevent it. In a way, Covid was a blessing for me. I needed space and time to heal. I could not work with clients. I felt like I was stuck in this void of nothingness. Every day was different. I also had to forgive myself, my son, and anyone else in my life. Forgiveness was not easy at first. I wanted to run far away with my son, but Covid kept us home. When I started writing the book “The Undetected Narcissist,” things began to shift in my recovery. It was healing for me to write the book, and it helped turn my perspective. That is why journaling is recommended for psychological abuse recovery. Covid gave me time to review all the emails and documents from the past. I saw things that I could not see before. When the anger started to melt away, I realized how some people were blind to the truth. That is when the decoding and detecting process took off. All the proof that we were being psychologically abused was in all the emails and documents. The problem was that nobody knew how to read between the lines. So, to prevent families and individuals from suffering further psychological damage, I wanted to teach everyone how to catch a narcissist by writing my book.
The hardest part was stuffing down my feelings so I could take care of my son. I realized from our experience that some couples that separate have difficulty putting their feelings aside and putting the child first. Some couples will try, but the fighting damages the child. I recall our son telling many mental health professionals that he just wanted us to get along. I wanted the same thing, but his father did not. If you are a parent dealing with someone narcissistic, know that your child will be impacted. A narcissist wants to win in court. So, if your child ever shows signs of trauma or acting out behaviors, get professional help. You will also want to create weekly moments to reconnect with your child. When parents separate, the child or children will feel the tension. The child needs to feel connected and loved, even when the parents are at odds with one another. During the legal battles and even when my son came back home, I created a snuggle, snack, and TV hour. We would snuggle in bed, eat a snack and watch something on TV. We would laugh and enjoy each others company. It helped both of us to forget the past for a little while.
It was my job and role to protect my son, and every place I went to find help could not help me because nobody was educated about narcissism or trauma. The truth is, this is happening to children and parents all over the United States every day. It has to stop. And I wanted to help him heal, but I had that threat looming over me. I was threatened when my son begged me to help him. The parent coordinator and his father completely blocked me. And I have helped kiddos all over the globe for 20 years. Nobody has filed a complaint, and I have received several awards/achievements. I was told that if I tried to help him, they would file charges against me in court, and I would lose custody of my son. As you know, if you listened to the bonus material, “What it is like to be an empath,” it took me a while to overcome that fear and threat. Yet, I was able to heal my son within 10 minutes and remove the core root of trauma. That is Divine Love in action. Everything lined up because he wanted it, I wanted it, and so did Divine Love. What a gift! And today, when I spoke with my son’s therapist, I got emotional because I was afraid to tell her. I told her I did not trust her enough because everyone trying to help my son failed. I told her I had seen her try to help and heal him, but my kiddo shuts down each time. Yet, Divine Love told me that it had to me and only me. My kiddo only trusted me and felt safe with me. That is why Divine Love was there waiting for me to take that leap of faith when I was ready to release that fear. All I can say is thank you.
Now, I will tell you that I did join about 10 narcissist support groups on Facebook. Personally, I would not recommend any of them and here is why. I noticed a repeated pattern of hate, anger, rage, victimization, blaming, and fear. I know people need support, but everyone was very negative. You can not heal and recover coming from a negative mindset. When you spew negativity, more negativity is created and then it will manifest into your life. It is like throwing gasoline onto a camp fire. Each time to dump the gasoline, the fire rages and then it consumes the forest, taking on a life of its own. You can stay stuck in the victim role. I do not want that for anyone. All those wounded survivors are temporary narcissistic and cannot support each other coming from that state of mind. I want to share my experience. On Friday June 24th, I was on Facebook reading various posts. I saw one narcissistic post. The person was asking if their narc every taught them anything positive. I hope you are laughing because I did respond. I said that my narc was my greatest teacher of love, compassion, wisdom, forgiveness, and transformation. After my two day event in Eugene, Oregon, I finally went onto Facebook. Two temporarily narcissistic women tried to cut into like a knife with their words. One said that I never have been with a narc to write what I did. Another was all about hate, you are not meant for this group, you do not understand us, and so on. They were right. I am not in alignment with those groups and never have been. I did respond, here is what I wrote. You are 100% wrong. I had a child with a covert narcissist and almost died. I had to have surgery on my heart from the psychological abuse. I had to make a choice. I could be like you and hate that man allowing him to live rent free in mind, even though he is no longer thinking about me. He has moved on and I knew that if I did not evict him from my mind and heart, it would be like I was allowing him to continue to poison my mind and heart. I needed to put me first when it came to my recovery, not me staying stuck in victimization. Because here is the truth, even when he dies, he can still live rent free in my mind. Life is choice. I chose me. Therefore, you are correct. I am no longer a match to all this hate, anger, and fear. I am leaving all these groups that truly do not support each other, but keep you stuck. Thank you for waking me up. Goodbye.
Another big part of my recovery was Paul Selig’s books. I remember finding his first book; I am Word. Then I listened to the book of truth, the book of Love, and the book of freedom. All these books are channeled text. His books spoke to me when I was in a dark place because I could no longer hear Divine Love. His books encouraged me to express my truth in court. I remember sitting in my car listening to one of his books outside the courthouse, and I told my support worker that I was afraid to expose his lies in court. I had written proof of his lies. She encouraged me to speak my truth, but it was too late. The only way I could sleep at night was to listen to his audiobooks for about two years every night. I had to distract my busy mind by listening to someone else at night. Listening to his books gave me hope, calmed my hurting heart, it brought me peace and comfort during the most challenging year of my life. And I remember when I lost custody of my son and was listening to one of his books, and it talked about when you embark on this spiritual journey, you will come to a place where you will be asked to place all your most valuable and cherished stuff on the altar. I cried when I went to the chapter to put my things on the altar. I had nothing of value to give at that time. I lost custody of my son, my mom was on hospice dying, and I was carrying her in my home, my older brother died, and my beloved cat died. Everything I loved and valued was taken away from me. I was an empty shell. I had to put something on the altar. So, I put my heart, which was the most precious thing. I had already lost everything and still wanted to serve humanity. That is true service in its purest form. I have listened to all of his books, which have transformed my life. I know who I am, what I am, and how I serve. For Christmas this year, I gave a few friends his most recent book, The Kingdom. That book is the embodiment of who I am. Only three people got the wisdom; others did not. And that’s okay. Everyone has their process and timing. It is just information.
Another big part of my recovery was surrender, prayer, and faith. I remember listening to the audio book, Parenting Children of Trauma by Marcy Pusey. Love that book. She too talks about spirituality, prayer, and faith. We as humans need that component in our lives when we are walking down a scary dark path with no road map to keep us safe. She too had to find her own spiritual practice and faith to keep her sanity. So, let me tell you a story about surrender. When I lost custody of my son, I tried many different techniques of forgiveness. I was getting worried because I had evidence of medical neglect and abuse. I was afraid my son would kill himself or his dad. And his dad was trying to stop me from having visitation rights, which would prevent me from reporting his abuse and lies to the judge. On July 16th, 2019, I went outside to pray and talk to the full moon. And when I just discovered the exact date of that July full moon, it is making me tear up right now. You will soon know why. I prayed to God, the angels, the Universe, the full moon, and anyone in heaven that would hear my prayers. I prayed for only the highest and best for my son. I said, “You know my heart and my son’s heart. We both are asking for the highest and best with this legal battle. I am surrendering myself to you. I am handing you over my son and this situation because only you know what our hearts desire in this situation. If my son is meant to come home to me, so be it. If he is meant to stay with his father, so be it. We need your help and support. Please give me an answer before the next full moon. Our hearts are hurting. Please answer our prayers. Thank you, thank you, thank you (as I put my hands together and bowed my head in respect).” Well two weeks later, my son told me over the phone that his dad told him that he was going to tell the judge that he should come home and live with me. On August 14th, 2019, I went back to court and got custody of my son. On August 15th was the full moon, and my son came home on August 16th, 2019. That is the power of surrender, faith, and prayer. He came home exactly during the cycle of the next full moon.
I told my son that story, and now we go outside, pray and talk to the full moon every month. My heart is beaming with love and appreciation when I see the full moon. I always pay my respect and gratitude for the gift of sparing my child’s life and allowing him to come home.
Image of the line editing errors in my book.
Next week I will tell you about the different people I found and worked with that helped me heal and recover from narcissistic abuse. I will tell you the tools and techniques they used. It was a process and I do not want to make this a long blog post. The best advice I can give anyone is, “A chiropractor cannot heal themselves.” I was too wounded and needed an outside perspective. I will say communicating and connecting with a therapist that truly cared, helped a lot. I was not just a number a paycheck. I was a human being. And you need to find someone that is educated in…You know what I am going to say. 🙂