I was at the gym working out and I realized that I needed to address the elephant in the room when it comes to WHY I am talking about narcissism. I also realize that my happiness and joy can trigger some people. It triggers them because it can be almost impossible to believe that someone like me, who was tortured and abused, can turn around and still be kind, loving, happy and joyful. How I did it was I came to terms with this TRUTH. My life matters more than my abusers. I am not disregarding what they did to me. There are no excuses for their behaviors, actions, and various forms of abuse. I just came to terms that I was sick and tired of feeling like crap. I was sick and tried of feeling bitter, resentful, angry, fearful, and destroyed. I wanted to LIVE. I owed this to myself, my children, career, friends, family, clients, and the world. And when I say the world, that means YOU. I wrote the undetected narcissist to wake the world up. What happened to us was a real life crime and they got away with it. Our world is so messed up right now. I do not think anyone would disagree with me. The world needs people like me to say enough is enough. I am a survivor of psychological and emotional abuse. Therefore, I want to lift you up. I want to inspire you to believe that you matter because you do.
I realized that by allowing myself to stay stuck in anger and resentment, I was giving so much power to my abuser, even though to abused had ended. Those assholes were taking up too much space within my heart and head. I needed to make a choice. Who was more important? Who was more deserving? And why was I allowing these evil twisted people to control my future? I knew they did not care about me or how I felt. They wanted me to stay down and not speak my truth. Staying down and not speaking my truth gave them power and control. Well, enough is enough. I got good and pissed off. I burst into flames and stood my ground.
Why I wanted to explain trauma, parts, and how trauma impacts the brain is I wanted you to find compassion. Compassion for your abuser who was someone that once did have a heart and someone destroyed their world or they were groomed into becoming a narcissist. This was KEY for my recovery. When I took the time to dive into my family history, I realized that I had generations of trauma, abuse, and narcissism on my father’s and mother’s side. On my mother’s side, my great grand mother was so beautiful, that she did not want anyone to know she had a child. My grand father had to walk behind her and he had to keep his distance. She was very cold and stuck up. Ask yourself this question, “What messages does this feed into a child’s mind in terms of self worth, belonging, accepted, being seen, heard, and loved?” In order for me to find forgiveness, I had to at least try to understand how my family members became so damaged. And when I say forgiveness, I am not giving my abusers a free pass. There are no excuses for their behaviors. They had a choice just like me. A choice to change. A choice to rise up and to honor their authentic self.
This is my life. My abusers are not living in my body, but they were living in my mind and heart. I had to evict them. I had to stop making excuses. Finding reason, understanding, acceptance, and courage allowed me to slowly come to terms with who they are. They, meaning my abuser. I realized my abusers are my teachers of LOVE and LIFE. I want to live. I was tired of existing. I wanted to smile again. I owed to myself and everyone around me. It was hard work and so painful at times. I had my good days and bad days. One day I would be smiling and laughing. The next day I would be a mess, crying and feeling sorry for myself. That is when I realized my good days mattered more. I need to change my focus. I had to focus on what I wanted, instead of what happened in the past.
So, if I speak kindly and compassionately about abusive people, just realize that I am doing it for YOU. I am doing it to help and support you in shifting your perspective. I did this for myself and it changed my life. You are just as important as anyone else. If you recall the map of consciousness, the lowest emotion level is 20. Level 20 is despair, miserable, shame, and humiliations. I realized that I would rather linger in anger at level 150. I used my anger to motivate and empower to rise up. My anger was the fuel and my heart was the flame. I then used that energy to rise up to level 200, which is courage, empowerment, permitting, and affirmation. I had to affirm that I matter. I deserve to live a life of joy, happiness, love, compassion, and forgiveness.
There are no excuses, only wisdom and love. If you are a survivor, just know that I am here for you. That is why I wrote my book, this website, and created the undetected narcissist podcast. I want to give you tools that will inspire you to at least try to rise up and start living again. People need you. Nobody who really cares about you wants to see you suffering. There is so much life inside of you, just waiting to come out and smile again. I hope this message will create a pinhole of light within your heart. You are a gift. You belong and you matter. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We are all perfectly imperfect. So, evict those tenants within your mind and heart. Then fill those empty spaces with things that bring you joy and happiness. Make self care and self love your main goal. Create something that inspires and reminds you of who you are. Connect to something that speaks to you. It could be nature, painting, gardening, dancing, writing, drawing, or building something. The perfect example of what I mean is my PTSD garden. My yard represented me.
This image above was my yard. It was full of gravel and only weeds were growing. I used my anger and pain to motivate me into creating and building a magical garden. I planted over 300 tulips and daffodils. I planted butterfly bushes, lavender, lilies, ferns, passion flowers, irises, assorted flowering bulbs, sunflowers, and roses. Now when I step outside, the my magical garden welcomes me. Creating this garden was my self care healing journey. There are no excuses to start a project today that inspires you. All these beautiful flower pictures are from my garden.
I hope this post will inspire you into action. There are no excuses. You deserve to live and I mean really live. Just take one day at a time and stay focused on you. Focused on shedding the past and creating a bright future for yourself and those around you. Take care.