Today, I want to teach you how to detect a snow job. Only a few people know the definition of a snow job. So, let’s unpack it. A snow job is a deception or concealment of one’s real motives in an attempt to flatter or persuade. Used as a noun, an example would be, “We need to do a snow job on her.” So, a snow job is an effort to deceive, persuade, or overwhelm with insincere talk. Another way of looking at it is when someone can tell a long, elaborate lie, especially one that is meant to hide evidence of some mistake or crime; then you are pulling a snow job on that person. I recently had someone try to do a snow job on me. You might be thinking, what the hell, right? Well, it is true and inspired this blog post and podcast. It is somewhat personal, but I am here to educate and keep people safe. Therefore, I will be sharing a private voice message from someone narcissistic. Before I do, I need to share some backstories about this individual.
In the book, The Undetected Narcissist, I briefly spoke of this person in the love bombing chapter. I meet him in September 2018. We fell in love and I believed or thought that he was the one for me. But, because he is narcissistic, when someone like him love bombs a person there is always a self serving hidden agenda. The sad thing is I introduced him to all my friends and family members during the holidays. He love bombed them as well. To make a long story short, when I discovered the hidden agenda, he got pissed off. Therefore, I will share our story. One big warning sign for me in dating someone new is when they do not want you to see their living space. His excuse was it was not as nice as mine. He was ashamed of his apartment. His older brother just had a baby and he was planning on moving out and would be moving into his brother’s house. He was going to live in his brother’s basement and help him take care of this newborn. I thought that was very sweet, but I could feel that something was off. He would not let me help him pack or move his belonging. And, I never got to meet his brother and sister in law. Then a few weeks later, I saw a post on Facebook. He was giving away his kitchen items, couch, and other household items. I was surprised because some of the items he was giving away for free were essential household items. Therefore, I was curious. I suggested to him to put his stuff in storage because he would need it once his moved out and got a nicer apartment. His response was priceless. He said, “I don’t need these items because in six months I will be living with you.” I had only known him for four months. My response was not what he expected and he never asked me how I felt about us living together in the future. I told him that he would not be living with me within six months. Even if we dated for one year, I would still not want to live with him. I take living with another person very seriously. I told him that I would want to be engaged and planning our future together without any hidden agendas or lack of clear communication.
Like most narcissistic people, he did not take my response well. He was pissed and gave me the silent treatment. We were supposed to spend Christmas together, and he bailed. Then we were going to spend New Year’s together, and again he came up with some lame excuse. I knew something was wrong. When I questioned why he was so quiet and unable to spend the holidays with me, his response was priceless. He made some elaborate story that there was a demon attached to me. To save my soul, he did an astral projection with his team of demon slayers. He claimed that this demon would take advantage of him sexually when he was in my house. I kid you not; the whole thing was crazy-making. He claimed that the demon attached to me made him fall in love with me and now that the demon was removed; he felt nothing for me. He has spiritually cleansed my souled, and I would be grateful. Did I fall for this crap? Please. I realized that I dodged a bullet. His lame excuse for a story was another snow job to cover up his hurt feelings and excuses of why he could not spend the holidays with me. All my friends and family members were shocked. We thought he was crazy to make up such a crazy story. And like most people, I did block him on social media and other forms of contact. But you have to love Facebook Messenger.
A few weeks ago, I got a Facebook message from him. I had removed him from my friend list and thought I blocked him on messenger. I did this because one of our mutual friends, whom he was very close to and admired, started a smear campaign about me on Facebook. Yup. She spread lies that I broke his heart, forced him to give away all his household items, and had demons in my house. I love the spiritual community, but this kind of gossip is ridiculous. So, his wanting to communicate with me again four years later was a warning sign. At first, it was a hello. I said hello back. Then I got this voice message recording that creeped me out. I played it for my partner, and it creeped him out. Then I sent it to one of my narcissistic friends, and he opened my eyes even more. And I have to say, I respect the honesty my narcissistic friend shared with me. Why? Well, he could see it more clearly than I could. I did not know it was a snow job. I did not know that it was scripted. I thought it sounded scripted, but I needed an expert to help me see the deception. Plus, I did not know that he was watching me from across the fence. I had a sick feeling about it, but I needed clarification. That is why I will share with you the voice recording he sent me. I want you to hear it with your ears. And this is the image he was talking about – my magical caliber.
You might be wondering if I responded to his voice message. I did respond. I used the BIFF approach and said, “That was a surprise and not necessary. What happened was four years ago. I have clearly moved on. Thank you for the kind words. Life is good. I am happy and it’s the same for you. I appreciate the apology. I feel no need to further communicate or start a friendship. Therefore, this is closure. I wish you the best. I am glad you have grown as a person. Take care.”
How to spot a liar and how to deal with them
•A pathological liar is an individual who chronically tells grandiose lies that may stretch or exceed the limits of believability. Pathological liars tell compulsive lies without a clear motive. This type of lying is different from nonpathological lying, where the lie is often beneficial in some way. A key feature of a pathological lie is that it has no obvious motivation. When someone has told a lie it is more likely to benefit themselves or avoid an embarrassing or stressful social situation.
•It is unclear whether a person who pathologically lies is aware of their deceit or is capable of thinking rationally about their lies.
•Pathological lying can make socializing difficult and lead to significant interpersonal problems with loved ones and colleagues.
•Pathological lying is a possible symptom of certain personality disorders, including:
•borderline personality disorder (BPD)
•narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
•antisocial personality disorder (APD)
Different types of Liars
Compulsive liars lie because of several reasons. However, you can always find out if they are lying. Their stories don’t usually add up. They are also pronounced and display classic lying behaviors, such as avoiding eye contact, breaking out into a sweat, and tripping over their words or rambling
•Narcissistic liars usually have a narcissistic personality disorder. These people typically make up grand stories centered around themselves. They are also prone to embellishment. Narcissistic liars always make themselves out to be the conquering heroes, no matter what the situation is. Most stories they narrate seem a bit far-fetched or downright unbelievable.
•Habitual liars constantly lie, practically all the time. For them, lying has become a regular habit, and they see no harm in doing so.
•Pathological liars lie as a response to any stimuli. These people are excellent liars because they constantly lie and makeup stories so unnecessarily and often that it becomes tough to distinguish the truth from false statements. Unlike compulsive liars, pathological liars are near impossible to catch in the act.
Sociopathic liars lack empathy. They do not care if the lies they state impact others negatively or even actively cause harm. This type of liar can be narcissistic and super charming, but this isn’t always true. Sociopaths are master manipulators. They tell you fictional stories to get you to do what they want, whenever they want it. You are nothing but putty in their hands because they are not capable of feeling sorry for you. Being the target of a sociopath will likely feel horrible because it will conflict with your morals and sense of right and wrong. A sociopath will continue to manipulate you and get you to see things their way until you give them what they want.
Dealing with a liar
•There are many different ways of dealing with liars. The best thing you can do is not react aggressively or with anger – although this is easier said than done and is incredibly difficult.
•The liar is expecting an explosive reaction from you anyway and will use this as a diversion and turn the entire situation against you. Be aware that their version of events is likely false. The best way of dealing with liars is to firmly but politely confront them and tell them that you are aware of the truth and that you won’t stand being lied to. Get yourself out of this toxic situation.
•If you find out that someone has told what they call a ‘white lie, and the lie doesn’t harm anyone, it is probably best to let it go. You may hint to the person that you are aware of the truth and are letting it go this one time, or else this may become a habit. Always letting go of white lies can cause issues with trust and intimacy, so you need to deal with it.
•Lying is a compulsive act, and it is hard for a liar to change this dangerous attitude, no matter how you treat them. We are sure you will spot these liars without any hassle with the above discussion. Whether you are dealing with a pathological liar or a sociopathic liar, a white liar, a careless liar, or even an occasional one, the point is to identify them and keep a safe distance from them. So, make sure you are thorough with the traits of these different types of liars to prevent yourself from financial loss, physical harm, or emotional damage.
Coping Strategies when dealing with a pathological liar
•Here are some strategies that can help you cope with a person in your life who lies pathologically:
•Know that it’s not personal: While it can certainly be hard not to take it personally, it’s important to remember that a person who lies pathologically may not necessarily be aware of it or intend to do it. They may even have an underlying mental health condition, such as borderline personality disorder, that motivates their behavior.
•Suggest Treatment: This next step can be tricky because your approach is critical, and you need to be sensitive to their reaction. Indirectly, you want to suggest that the person seek therapy or treatment for their condition and offer whatever resources and support you can. Avoid being judgmental; let them know you’re concerned about them.
•Expect resistance: When you confront the person about their lies, they may deny it or respond with more lies. Avoid losing your temper. If you’re upset, let them know that you don’t want to interact with them if they’re not being honest with you.
•Pay attention to their actions: As it can be challenging to trust the words of a person who lies pathologically, “one of the most effective things you can do is read the person’s actions. Actions don’t lie; over time, you’ll spot patterns that will help you predict their future behavior.
•Set boundaries: It’s essential to set boundaries in your relationship with the person to protect yourself. If they don’t have a lot of insight or willingness to change, you might have to set boundaries about how much you’ll give to that relationship. Remember, boundaries are designed to support you in feeling safe, respected, and heard.
•End the relationship: If you cannot cope with the person’s lies, you can end the relationship or friendship. However, this may not always be easy to do, for instance, if the person is a family member or coworker.
I hope you have enjoyed this blog post and podcast. It might have even given you a few good laughs. Until next time, take care.