Now I know many of you are excited for me to talk about this subject matter – fear of dating another narcissist. I know, I felt the same exact way last year. What you need to know is how you feel and think matters. After dating a narcissist, you quickly learn that boundaries are essential for your well-being and sanity. If the person you are interested in starts to push your comfort zone boundaries, I would take things “really” slow. And if some of those boundaries feel like the person is trying to make you do something you are not ready to do, than you must stand your ground. Your feels and body are giving you warning signs that something is off. Let me explain.
If you ever watch the show on Netflix, “Sex, Love & Goop”, you can learn a lot about your body and the messages your body gives to your partner. For example, when I started to be intimate again, my body did not like a firm embrace or passionate kiss. I immediately shut down. It made me feel uncomfortable and my partner was in the dark until I spoke my truth. And it was embarrassing because I did not want him to feel like I hated kissing his or to think that he were a bad lover. My body also did not respond well to a certain styles of touch or sexual positions. I thought something was wrong with me. But, when I discovered this show it was like the light bulb went off in my head. I had my partner watch the show with me. When he was able to visually see another woman’s body respond and shut down by her partners intimate touch, he was shocked. He “ASSUMED” she was enjoying herself, but she was not. And I honestly have to say that sex was challenging for me at first. So, I want to just prepare you for this realization if it happens to you as well.
The biggest thing my partner learned is that every woman’s body is different and how she perceives and responds to physical touch. And communication is KEY. At first I said nothing and hated sex. I actually dreaded it and did my best to avoid it. I was just not ready for it. I know my partner felt a lot of passion towards me, but it took my body and mind more time to comfortably accept him as a safe person to become intimate with. And yes, I am being extremely personal here, but I know I am not alone.
Another good example is I used to love deep tissue massage. I still do. The problem is my body rejected it when I had PTSD. My massage therapist had to take a completely different approach. Now that I have healed, my body has slowly recovered and I can now enjoy a firmer/deeper form a touch when my massage therapist is digging into a knot on my back.
Now when you meet someone new, it can be scary. Dating is not easy, especially online dating. I have meet men that did not match their profile pictures. I had one man that was so excited to met me and then ghosted me the day of our date. Then a week later he contacted me saying that he was free to meet me. He did not apologize and when I passed on meeting him, he thought I was angry. I nicely told him that I value my time, feelings and thoughts. And clearly we were not a match because it is disrespectful and rude to ghost a person the day you put aside to connect. That is when he apologized, but I stood my ground when he offered to make it up to me. Here is the message in that experience, if someone does this to you in the beginning, plan to expect more disappointments along the way. And even though he was very good looking, I didn’t care. I am honoring and valuing me.
You also want to watch how they treat other people, animals, and the Earth. Observe how they treat a waiter or a service staff employee. If they are disrespectful and complain a lot, I would suggest keeping an eye out on this behavior. I learned that one narcissist would intentionally do this to get a meal for free, avoid leaving a tip, or would request a discount on their next meal. All I have to say is if they are doing this in front of you to a stranger, than you can expect this might happen to you in the relationship.
Another warning sign has to do with housing. If they do not want you to see their apartment/house, be warned. They could still be married, living with their girlfriend, or living with their parents/grandparents still. If you remember the podcast about love bombing, I once dating a guy that did not want me to see his apartment. He was planning on moving into his brother’s house to help them out with their new born baby. Then I saw that he posted on Facebook that he was giving away his kitchen stuff, a TV, and other items. I asked him about it and suggested he put it in storage. His response was, “I don’t need to because I will be living with you within six months.” Yeah, hidden agenda. If you have not listened to that podcast, I would recommend listening to it. And don’t worry. Love bombing is not bad. I have done it. What makes it bad is the hidden agendas. A narcissist will make future plans for the relationship without even including you in the conversation within their head.
Back to online dating. There are some that will lie saying they are separated, when in fact they were still married. So, never go for anyone saying they are separated. I have had one person say they live in Oregon, when in fact they lived in California. They owned a house in Oregon, but that does not count. They also lied and said that they lived in Portland, when in fact they lived two hours away from Portland. And this same person lied about their profession, saying they were in a legal attorney when in fact, they were in law enforcement. So, be warned. That is why asking questions are so important. I hate to say it, but you are interviewing this person to see if they are a good person to allow into your life. It is a privilege and you can say, NO. You might feel lonely, but trust me, it is not worth the heartache. That is why I did the inner circle in part one, fear of dating another narcissist. And if you read my book, watch what you drink. I had one man slip something into my water when I went to the bathroom to wash my hands after we had lunch on our second date. Luckily, I realized what he did and ran to the bathroom and vomited. Am I scaring you? It’s not my intentions. I just want you to stay safe. This stuff happens and there are some bad apples out there. Plus, if a man or woman has to say, “I am good person”, I would be cautious. Why? Well, I do not go around advertising that I am a good person. I just am a good person. I have discovered that many narcissistic people want you to believe they are good by making that verbal statement about themselves. And if they say in their profile or to your face several times, “I do not want any drama”, watchout. They attract drama and might create drama scenarios within the relationship. So, are you ready to throw away the towel when it comes to dating? Sorry. I am just putting all the cards out on the table.
Now, when I started dating I had several men ask me this question and you might too. “What is wrong with you? You are beautiful, fun to be around, caring, smart, and appear normal. You are a catch. Why are you still single? There has to be something wrong with you? It just does not make sense why a woman like you would not be married. What skeletons are you hiding in your closet?” After hearing this comment over a dozen times, I started to get pissed off. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be single. And when I shared my story of why I was single, some men felt sorry for me and others could not handle it. Both reactions pissed me off, honestly. Then I would always hear once I shared my story, “How could you fall for a person like that?” Like there was something wrong with me, when in fact, there was nothing wrong with me. I just fell in love with the wrong person. And interestingly enough, the one person that stuck around began to realize that he was married to a narcissist for 30 years! Yeah! And he asked me the same question and did the same as everyone else. He was confused how I could fall in love with someone like that. So, a while later I threw the same question back at him. How could You stay with a narcissist for 30 years? I left mine within 4 to 5 years. And he froze. I knew the answer. I said, “You did it for because you where taught that when in a marriage to stay together for the sake of the child or children. This is a generational belief that must stop! This is the mistake many people make. What you are teaching that young mind that is a “sponge” is this is how married people or couples communicate. When they become an adult that is how they will fight and try to control the other person. Is that what you want to teach to your child/children?” He got it and apologized. I educated him and he realized that he had never had a healthy relationship in his life because he married his high school sweetheart. He was always expecting the shoe to drop and it never did. I wrote about this person is in chapter three – narcissistic women.
And yes, he did go through those emotions we all deal with. Once he was no longer in the dark about narcissism, he felt stupid, angry, disappointed, confused, and at times wanted to get revenge. But we talked and I created a safe space for him to heal as well. So, really we were brought together to heal each other. What concerned me is when you stay in a marriage that long with a narcissist, you might see some of the same behaviors in one of your children when it comes to communicating with a partner. When we are in an unhealthy relationship, we are teaching our children that gaslighting, stonewalling, projecting, and the silent treatment is what couples do to each other. We teach them that these behaviors are acceptable and a normal forms of communication, when they are not. I could have thrown this fact into my partners face, but I did not. I knew that he was wounded enough and did not realize it. He too believed that is what a marriage means, until he met me.
Back to dating and to my story, which might help you as well. In dating someone new, there are areas that we are compatible and others we are not. As for me, there are three areas that we are not compatible and it have accepted it for now. What matters most is he is very good to me and I needed that after what I experienced. It’s not my ideal partner, but it is what I needed to help me in my recovery. So, it is perfect right now because I feel safe with him and he is a good man. Healing is vital, so there is nothing wrong with not finding your ideal partner. I love and appreciate my current partner. I just have a sense that as I grow and change, my partner is growing and changing as well. What is important is my partner is learning what a healthy relationship is all about. Plus, he did tell me something very interesting that might make you laugh. He said, “I have to compliment you because for the past 30 years, I chewed my finger nails because I was so stressed out in the marriage. Since I have been dating you, I finally had to go out and buy my first pair of nail clippers. Thank you.” I just laughed and said, “Well now you know what a healthy, loving relationship is like.”
Now I am going to get very personal here because I am being guided to talk about this subject. For some people there are deal breakers in a relationship. For me it is my spirituality. Everyone who becomes my friend must embrace my spiritual side. You at first might think I am a little crazy because you do not comprehend or understand it, but when you allow me in and we connect and communicate, you get it. There is no judgment, only LOVE. I am not religious, but I am married to my spiritual gift. And when I say married, I first must tell you a story. I remember listening to an audio book by John Edwards, who is a spiritual advisor. I saw him once in San Francisco, California and I loved watching him do what he does. I wanted to be able to do just the same thing and I can. But, I did not want to do what he does. It does not resonate with my spirit. I wanted to use it in a different way. I wanted to help people better understand themselves and to make the world a better place for all human beings. So, in his audio book he talked about when you desire this ability and you embrace it, practice it to a certain point, and your spirit and the beings that communicate with you know your purest intentions, it becomes a marriage. Well, I am married to Divine Love, which in my opinion is a collective form of consciousness that has so much love, wisdom, compassion, and hope for humanity. It is a part of me. Someone in your family might come in and want to speak with me. I might be guided to talk about something that is so personal and private, which you never told a living soul, BUT in order to heal and recover, we must talk about it. I am that safe space. I create that safe space of open heart communication coming from a place of love, not judgment. Not many people can do this. Their ego gets in the way. This is the message Love wants all of you to hear. When I was at my lowest place and ready to quit my job of helping people live a better life because a covert narcissist smeared this ability/gift in court, “they”, the collective consciousness of Love brought Sister Miriam into my life to remind me of this gift/ability. They are saying to me now, “You must honor what makes your heart sing”. My connection and spirituality makes my heart sing and everyone feels it. That is WHY so many clients become my friend. I embrace them for who and what they are – even the narcissist. Here is a picture of sister Miriam, who reminded me of who I am, what I am, and how I serve. She gave me this picture because she wanted me to share it with you. She too is married to Love/God. That is why we connected at such a deep and profound level. We have the same desire, purpose, and calling. I just did not join a convent.
I hope you are still reading or listening because there is a message here. You might be deeply married to your music, ability to paint, sing, act, draw, teach, parent, dance, play a musical instrument, direct, speak, or write. This ability is a marriage and a gift given just to you. You must honor it and whomever comes into your life. When you stop honoring who and what you are, that is a warning sign. That person is diminishing the light within you. That light is what makes you unique and special. You must treasure and honor it. And as I type all of these words, I am channeling Divine Love. It is their message to you. And in writing this, they wanted me to share this story of when I just started dating my current partner.
As I said before, when a person does not want you to see their place of residency, that is a warning sign. And I did not say red flag. I explain that in part three for fear of dating another narcissist. My current partner did not want me to see his home. He described the house and property and it sounded amazing, but something was off. When we were having dinner at a Mexican restaurant he decided to finally address the issue. He explained that his adult daughter still lived with him and he was embraced. As he shared her story, I heard trauma after trauma in terms of relationships and being rejected. Before he could tell me why, Divine Love showed me his home. I looked at him and said, “Oh my God. Your home is so messy. All her trauma is displayed around the house. I see piles of clothing, dirty dishes, and chaos.” He looked at me and said, “Now you are freaking me out. You are 100 percent accurate. This is so freaky. How can do you know this? You have never been to my house. My house is a mess and I am embarrassed to show you. This is just too strange.” Revealing my true self and gift/ability to him was very hard for him to comprehend and embrace at first. I could have said nothing, but if he wants to get close to me, he has to accept me. And trust me, Divine Love is here watching over me. Now here is the message they want me to share. He wanted to tell me and was holding back. He was ashamed and embarrassed because my house is so clean and organized. He owns the house, but his daughter has taken over his space. That is a hard pill to shallow. Within my heart and soul there is no shame, blame, fear, judgment, or rejection. I embrace and accept coming from a place of love. That is the ONLY way we can heal another person and shift their consciousness is coming from a place of love, acceptance, and a safe space. And in that moment he was facing a crossroad. He could either embrace and accept me, or reject me. If he rejected me, I would have accepted it. I will not say that he did accept this ability 100%, but he did not reject me. He still to this day has a hard time accepting and embracing my calling and I have accepted that. It is not my job to convince him of who and what I am. Yet when I showed him what Divine Love/God made me create and speak about for the two day event in Portland, his whole perspective shifted. I channeled 4 fours of amazing information that was designed to help everyone around the world get Divine Loves message within 7 to 8 minutes around the subject of mental health and WHY we MUST be trauma informed. Because in the United States we are dealing with a mental health crisis. Divine Love is concerned and I am their messenger. When I showed my partner what Divine showed me, instructed me draw, and say…well he was so proud. He even got it. And he was even more proud of me because 3 narcissist people approached me after I spoke at the event and they thanked me for speaking about narcissism coming from a place of love, not anger, hate or fear. They thanked me for helping them better understand their brain and how they respond when triggered coming from a place of anger. I told the group how to communicate with these people coming from a place of love. That event was magical for me and every person that spoke to me thanked me for being there to spread awareness about mental health. I am working on that blog post/podcast talking about the event and it will be called, “Being Your Authentic Self”.
Now, last night while I was lying in bed Divine Love spoke to me and said I needed to talk about this. I was told that many people, maybe even you, are asking yourself why didn’t I know any better because Divine Love speaks to me. Why didn’t Divine Love warn me about this covert narcissist. Good question, right? Here is the answer. If you recall the Map of Consciousness, I was stuck in a lower vibrational frequency where Divine Love could not connect and communicate with me. It was impossible for me to connect when I was caught in the eye of the storm. Yet, when I disengaged and raised myself back up, then I was able to communicate and connect again. Remember, the vibrational set point of fear and anxiety is 100. Love is at 500. And I did get warning signs from Divine Love, but he had a hidden agenda of getting me pregnant. So, I was trapped. And I do not regret any of it because I had to go through that life experience to do what I am doing RIGHT now. Sharing this wisdom and educating everyone.
Now if you listened to part one – fear of dating another narcissist, I would highly recommended getting these communication cards that I will be talking about. They can be great icebreakers and will make it less uncomfortable when you need more clarity about this person. And when you use the cards, I would invite your inner circle of friends over to play along. Why? Well, you might be in the honeymoon phase. They know you and get you. They will be able to see and hear things that you cannot. And, it is always insightful to get another person’s perspective. So, throw a dinner party. Have some wine or beer. Relax and have fun playing with these cards. And when you do play, notice how this new love interest treats and speaks to your inner circle of friends. Are they respectful? Are they overly sarcastic? Does it seem like they feel superior or better than your inner circle of friends? Do they complain about the questions or find the game stupid? And, are they flirting with one of your attractive friends? These are all warning signs.
The relationship communication card deck from BestSelf for relationships has 150 questions. Here are some examples.
- How do you feel about taking loans and using credit?
- How much information about my personal finances do you expect to have?
- What dollar amount represents financial security, and how important is this to you?
- How important is personal growth for you?
- What are you working on for yourself right now?
- How can we allow the things that upset us to make us better people?
- What jobs and chores do you expect me to do, and why?
All these questions are good and important. What I have discovered with a narcissist is they are not solution oriented unless it is self-serving. For them, these questions might be challenging to answer. They might even avoid answering the questions because they are afraid of you learning about their wounded past and/or childhood. Self discovery should be fun and each person should feel safe. If you notice the communication is more one-sided and they would rather learn more about you, instead of sharing, that can be a warning sign. You do not want to over share too much personal information. Remember the inner circle? From my own personal experience, my partner who was a covert narcissist used my personal information against me – several times. If and when you read the book, The Undetected Narcissist, you will learn how this information was used against me and how damaging it can be. Nobody wants their secrets exposed or used as a weapon. That is why I have learned to appreciate and depend upon these various couples/friendship games. You can learn a lot about a person as well as your existing close friendships. These games also reduce the pressure of coming up with something interesting and deep to talk about. If you are on the fence about a specific person being narcissistic, I would suggest playing this game with other people, instead of one-on-one. Other people close to you can see and hear things that you might now be able to catch because you are still in the honeymoon phase or the narcissistic is still love bombing you. Another person’s healthy positive perspective can spare you of months or even years of psychological abuse. And remember, it can take your brain one to two years to get back to normal after you have been psychologically abused. That is why I did not date for almost two years. I was too afraid and I need to heal.
Here is some other questions from the Date deck at BestSelf.
- Tell me about the most defining moment in your life?
- What is a side of you that I have yet to see?
- What do you desire from me that you haven’t dared to ask?
- What habits do I have that you’d like me to change, and why?
- What’s something you want to get off your chest?
- What would you avoid doing at any cost?
- What did you find especially challenging when you were young?
- What decision changed the trajectory of your life?
This last deck I really like because if the person you are considering has a child or children, it is important to connect with them. You are dating and getting to know the whole package, not just the person you are dating. This deck of conversation cards, Little talk can help break the awkward ice with some kids. Especially if the child or children are afraid of mom or dad dating another unhealthy person. I would suggest playing this game with their kids and/or kids. When your date leaves, ask your kids what they got. If they do not like the person, ask them why? And, you must take your kiddos perspective into consideration. They might not be ready for you to start dating again. You might have to honor their thoughts and feelings. And, there is nothing wrong with just being friends at first if that is what your child NEEDS from you to feel safe.
If you own a pet or have pets, listen to your animal(s). They know you best. Your pet might be on the fence about this new person and they might need your support in breaking the ice. Some animals can be overly protective and need more time to allow this person into your home environment. And, if this person verbally expresses that they do not like your pet or animal, I would think twice. Your pet was there first and depends upon you. And lastly, if you want to date, but are not ready for that, please honor that voice of wisdom within you. If you can only start off being friends, just do that. Sex should never be the end goal. When you have been psychologically abused, it can and will take you more time to trust another person and the choices you make. I know you do not want to make the same mistake, so take it slow. You cannot rush the healing process, which is unique for each individual.
I will be doing a part three on this same subject, fear of dating another narcissist. Then the three part series will be complete. I hope you enjoyed this information and it did not scare you away from dating again. It is better to be educated and informed . When you are not educated and informed, you are more likely to get victimized by another narcissist. Just know that I got your back and I am here if you have any questions. Plus, I am on the Wisdom app. You can listen to me talk on this app and it is content that you do not hear on my podcast because you can be a guest. Just click, “be a guest” and you can speak to me directly when I am talking. I plan to pick a specific day and time each week to better support people. And if you just want to say hello and chat, it would be fun to connect. Afterall, that is why we are here on Earth – to connect with one another. Now, if you have benefited from these podcasts and information of wisdom, please support this work. Any donations would be most appreciated. Have a wonderful day and look out for the podcast, “Being Your Authentic Self”. I will post the images of what I was told to draw and write. I will teach you what I download/channeled for four hours. It is amazing stuff! Take care.
Songs: Luna Lullabies (Adventure Club Remix) and Your Electric Love.